It wasn't until I started typing more at work when I realized the differences in keyboards. From typing at my desk to my personal laptop and then the laptop for work all the keys are placed differently with different sizes. Whereas, at the school, I had one laptop for work and home and I had adjusted to the keystrokes easier than now.
I find myself messing up a lot when I'm transferring from work to my personal computer. In this transition is when I realized that my personal computer had a small backspace bar, which I tend to use a lot and I'm consistently missing hit hitting the equals sign instead. Honestly, if I had noticed that upon buying the computer I would've chose another because I like to have a big bar for me to delete. The screen is bigger than my last computer so I just assumed that the keys would be bigger, unfortunately, not the case.
The wireless keyboard at work has raised keys that force my wrist to lay a certain way as I type, which I think is supposed to be healthier. My two laptops force my hands to rest flat on the computer cause discomfort in my hands when I'm typing for long periods of time or fast short bursts. Now that I think about it, the raised keys are probably to prevent carpal tunnel syndrome which I used to think about but never worry because I felt as if it was for old people. Little did I know, that I would be an author and also need to type a lot at work as well.
These thoughts dawned on me while I was at work and I had my personal computer up during my lunch break and was using my wireless keyboard. As I was going back and forth I noticed the major difference, I might have to get something to help with hand cramping.
Random thoughts can create blogs and short storied for me, which I thank God for everyday. My ability to be able to write and read and see and simply praise his Holy name. While reading literature and thinking about how I can be a better Christian God revealed to me that I do have some of the characteristics that I believed I was lacking. I use my podcast and blog to vehemently speak about the Father and his graces and mercy, which is the duty of every believer, to spread the gospel.
The other day I heard this noise that sounded like someone walking with loose shoes on, the back of their heels hitting the ground with each step. I stopped what I was doing to see who it was and it was Amara wearing my dad's shoes making it from the front door all the way to the kitchen. She had the shoes on the wrong feet and I couldn't believe she made it so far with those clogs on her.
I laughed at her, took a picture, and immediately had a thought from God. I felt in my spirit that how Amara looked was how I am trying to live my life sometimes, trying to fit my foot in a shoe that only God can wear. He said that I'm trying to do too much in a place where he has the control and that I'm being backwards just like Amara had the shoes on the wrong foot.
Praying for him to change the situation claiming that I'm casting all my cares but in the same instance trying to make a way for myself. Exclaiming His power but resting in my own mind, will, and emotions. God brought to my attention how hard it must've been for Amara to walk from the foyer to get to where I saw her, in as much, how hard it is for me to navigate this life doing more than what I am designed for.
If she had her own shoes on, or even barefoot, she could've ran to her destination or moved at any pace that she wanted. For me, if I just focus on controlling what I can only control then I will be able to move more freely and will continue to rest in his peace. It's when I'm trying to be my own God, walk in His shoes, is when I start to trip up slow down and allow space for the enemy to attack.
After she got tired of dragging the shoes contrary to her being, she jumped out and took off to the office where her poppi was. That's what we do, at least I do, trying to carry my own wait I eventually collapse under the pressure giving up and returning to vices. Before she gave up I try to assist her by putting the shoes on the correct foot and guiding her to her destination with her poppi's shoes on. God does the same, meets me in my current state and offers a helping hand. Too often we run off without giving His advice a second thought.
It was interesting to me that this simple scenario carried so much weight in my heart and was on my mind the rest of the weekend. God's always talking to us, and if he used a donkey in the Bible why not use my daughter's innocent behavior to speak to me. The true question is if we, or I, am willing to listen to what he has to say.
I believe God dropped this nugget on my heart because last week I was angrily conversing with Amelia's mother, and instead of listening to my heavenly Father I sent a text that he told me not to. I heard Him but I wasn't trying to listen because it's been two years and since I'm finally unblocked I got to get things off my chest! Words I been saying to myself in the shower or driving down the road imagining she was on the other end of the conversation.
Trying to make his promises come to fruition on my time, I've been singing this song called Not in A Hurry and when the time came I failed to live it. I know he understands how much it means to me to be in Amelia's life, the things I'd do or take back to make it all better. At the end of the day, he has a plan and his thoughts are higher than mine and his ways are higher than my ways and knows when to give her to me.
Repeatedly, in the Bible it says that he came at just the time, or just at the right time God came through. I have to believe that things will work out at the right time, even though I can't see it now, it'll be the perfect timing for me. I wonder if it'll be when I finally buy my own house so that she can have her own room, or will it be after I find my true purpose walking on this Earth. Will it be when I put a certain amount of hours of service in his Kingdom? Will it be after a bring an unknown number of souls to Christ? Or will it be when I start my own type of ministry? When will it be?
At just the time. This is what I have to believe, I have no choice. Faith is such a strong word that can be thrown around so carelessly, one has to be strong to have faith. The scripture "walk by faith and not by sight," has never been more true than when I put my full weight into Christ. Things just don't seem like they are getting any better, and when they were, I ostensibly found myself at another dead end.
I was listening to a sermon and the preacher was talking about how we have to find God in the situation. We have to ask ourselves what am I supposed to gain from the setback, what skill or ability am I suppose to learn or sharpen that will allow me to reach my purpose? As well as, and probably most importantly, give thanks to God for what we can while he works in the background.
My pastor of New Kingdom Church made that a point today, death has riddled his family and was present in some of the members at the church. He said that he was thankful of the times that he did have, because he has the ability to relish in that instead of the pain. It made me jump back to the times that Amelia and I did have, the fun times the things that she said that I will hold onto for the rest of my life. Be grateful for the good times, that there were times to be grateful for, and continuously pray and serve the Lord.
Lord I thank you for the good times, Amelia and Amara, daddy loves you. I love you both so much! I can't wait for the day that we all can be together.