It's hard not to carry an unsatisfactory sentiment of fatherhood when I have an obligation the same time that I'm supposed to spend time with Amara. That's why weekends are never enough, only everyday, every time I wake up and go to sleep as well as the middle of the night or midday. The ability to unabatedly let her know how much I love her and to see her grow in her vocabulary and the development of her mind. She's already having an amazing comprehension level, understanding our commands as well as knowing when she wants to ignore them.
This past weekend I helped my uncle move into his new house out in Holly Springs, a really nice crib with subtle colors that still were vibrant and a second level balcony attached to the master bedroom. All moving, regardless if it was me moving into a townhouse or my parents into their current house or my uncle and aunt's upgrade is a hassle. Adding wear and tear to my legs and arms as we try to maneuver oddly shaped furniture and figure out how to lessen the load on solid wood desk. Using the dolly whenever applicable as to not put any extra strain on ourselves.
Anytime to help family, I'm willing to jump on it knock it out using as many hands as possible ensuring we finish swiftly. As a single father though, when I only get my personal time on the weekends it makes me feel a way that I'm not with her. I'm always wondering what she is thinking of me, I know that even at a young age they're privy to events that happen around them.
I know she knows that we weren't together most of Saturday, and even if she can't verbalize her emotions their still there. Brewing inside of her, and undoubtedly she had a grand time with her GiGi and auntie doing what women do perusing malls and various stores. When they got back they were telling me stories of how she would steal the show upon walking into buildings. Everyone commenting on how cute and electric she is, always smiling and ready to invite people in.
If my experiences were different with Amelia I believe that it wouldn't be a constant thought, a worry that the time we do spend together isn't enough. That when she lays eyes on her mom that she will forget all about me, or when I pick her up it isn't until she is out of her mother's sight that I can start to enjoy her presence.
With Amelia, it was four hours before I could really get to hold and play with her after having to speak to her through the rearview mirror. Or she might sleep the whole trip, and when she wakes I have to make sure to stop so that the diaper wouldn't be too full that it would spill over. I think it wouldn't be an incessant feeling if I wasn't used to not knowing when the next time I'll get time with her would be.
Moving took longer than expected, and after awhile all I wanted to do was leave and go get Amara. Regardless if I had something planned or not, I just wanted to be in her face and let her be in mine. Tickling her, laughing, and chasing her around the island hoping that she doesn't hit her head on the edge. She is getting a lot faster now too, having to pick up my speed especially when she is doing or into something that she isn't supposed to.
It's crazy, that when she has an inedible object in her mouth she seems to run faster, laughing enjoying the chase. Always funny, until she chokes, which hasn't happened yet but the possibility always runs through my mind. Even in co-sleeping, since we share the bed I'm checking throughout the night to make sure she hasn't rolled over on her face and is unable to breathe. I know she is at the age where if she feels herself suffocating she will adjust, but that doesn't stop me from peeping in every ten minutes while she takes a nap.
I know part of it is being a father, and another is fear of losing her to something avoidable. I was the same way with Amelia, even though they are two different types of sleepers. I could bust in on AJ and she wouldn't budge, but with Amara I have to creep around the room and open the door as if I was a kid again sneaking around the house. When my family doesn't move around the way I like I wonder did they not slip in and out of rooms as a child like I did, I was keen on not making any noise.
Probably because I was always doing something I wasn't supposed to, another part was the energy I felt mimicking what I thought felt like to be a covert agent. A secret passion of mine, I've thought about trying to be a Navy SEAL especially after going to The Citadel and being a possible shoe in to 2nd Lieutenant. They say it's one of, if not the, hardest training mentally and physically. I would have loved to say that I accomplished that feat.
Since fear and worry are not of God it has to be the devil imparting these thoughts in my mind trying to knock me off course of the goal I'm striving for. Wanting me to dive back into old vices that have continuously led me astray away from promises that have been assigned to my life. A daily battle, truthfully, as I wake up most days without either of my children by my side.
Every holiday, whether it's Mother's Day, Father's day, Christmas, or Thanksgiving I have to choose which thought process I'm going to allow to circulate in my head. Will I let the fury arise or choose to walk the narrow path that tells me to rejoice in afflictions and to let them run their course so that it can produce in me what is intended.
Is it enough to know that this situation is making me a better person, a better father, a more structured individual? Is it enough to know that there is good on the other side of this? That God makes all things work together for his good and mine? Living in faith sometimes it just feels like mere words, especially when I don't see things changing in my day-to-day life. There's a verse that says that we are only human and can only think and view things from a human standpoint, but God sees it all. Often times I wish I had that celestial vision, but with faith does come a peace, it's just not absent of pressure.
I'm in this virtual group therapy session this week and last, and it's showing me where I don't want to be in life. How I don't want my vices to take away friendships and relationships with my family and my daughters. Hearing horror stories has further helped me make up my mind that I won't go back to the life I used to live. I guess all things are working together for my good.
Amelia and Amara, daddy loves you.
Amara at Build-A-Bear getting something as she turns 18 months! My baby getting so big! Can't wait for you and your sister to start playing together.