Conundrum

My siblings and I had the chance to throw a surprise 40-year anniversary for my parents this past weekend. Usually, my mom asks a lot of questions which has ruined the surprise in past years. This time, I guess she had a lot on her mind and wasn't analyzing everyone's actions. We got family friends, that we call aunts and uncles, involved to help make the moment special.

We were ecstatic that it worked out! My mom was genuinely taken aback and so was my father. Afterwards, they told us that they had a fleeting thought wondering if their kids will do something for their 40th. It's actually on the 27th, but we overheard them making plans to travel to Hawaii or Florida. I think I've even heard them say Mexico at one point.

The party has been in the works for weeks, but we were stagnant because we didn't know exactly what they were planning. All the siblings and spouses usually come over for a day or two over the weekend and we would slide each other information that we've obtained from conversations we've overheard. Whispering at the kitchen table or over the hot stove while make quesadillas.

It was beautiful! Our closest friends and family showed up and we all ate and fellowshipped together. I had to work on Saturday, so I had to tune in via Facebook Messenger, but I was still able to see the surprise on my parents' faces. Thankfully, there was plenty food left when I made it home and my sister saved me a plate as well. They all know that I loved to eat.

At one point, there were a couple of us around the table listening to beats and hearing my brother Sl1m talk about the two songs that will be releasing Monday. We started freestyling and I was surprised at the pastor's son Josh and his ability to rock the beat. He wrote a song and spit in church one day and had us all in awe, but his freestyle was just as good as his written word. I've gained another level of respect for him, maybe all three of us will hop on a track one day.

Although I thoroughly love my job it presents many challenges. Mostly because the inflation of gas prices and groceries. I paid ten dollars for 60 eggs, and it broke my heart. Having to put gas in my car every two days is killing my pockets, it's next to impossible to save. I made sure I didn't go out to eat or buy candy or doing anything excessive and I still find myself scraping before the next check.

I'm in the process of trying to buy a house because the cost of renting isn't even worth it. My car has been great to me, but in another year or two I will be in need of a newer version. I'm utterly frustrated at where I'm at currently because I could've sworn this is where I was supposed to be. I prayed before each interview and told God that I didn't even want the job if it wasn't in the path for me.

Maybe it still is, I'm not even sure anymore, but I do love what I do. I don't always love the circumstances the non-profit life puts me in but all I know is the grind, making ends meet with little to no resources. Not too long after I accepted this job, I was made aware of the same position in Raleigh. Another job very similar to mine at Duke University came to my email the other day and it's making me further question my true purpose.

I've made plenty of positive connections while on the job and I'm truly starting to find my way around the city. I just want to be where I'm supposed to be, the most conducive place for me and my kids. Along with the hour drive to work traveling to South Carolina is a killer as well, I'd do anything for my babies though. At least I get to see her now, I just need to continue working on forgiveness.

On a positive note, the 27th of this month is my two-year anniversary for my For Fathers Podcast! It's exciting to know that I kept it up when most say that the average podcast doesn't make it past nine episodes. I sometimes wonder why those that quit decided to do so, was it because it was too hard? Did they not have the right equipment? Or was there intended reason for starting a podcast was to make money and not to share their story?

My podcast always has and always will be for my daughters. Ensuring them that their daddy loves them and always has, allowing them the opportunity to hear the adoration in my young voice. It's exciting to know that one day, it will all pay off. Just like writing personal letters to them. I pray that it means as much to them as it does me. I pray that I mean as much to them as they do to me.

I have such beautiful daughters. Amelia and Amara, daddy loves you.