Eating the Word
My sister is officially married!
What an amazing and exciting experience, I'm elated that I got to be a part of it. I was an usher jigging down the aisle with the mother of the groom and standing in front of the congregation for scripture reading. Amara was a flower girl along with the grooms brother's daughter. Amara didn't want to walk without someone she knew and my dad was going to but he had to walk in the bride.
I had to circle back around and hold my babies hand, she looked so cute, I was happy to do it. There were two other four year old's there, one was the second flower girl and the other was my cousin. I'm always astonished at what a kid can do and say at that age, missing Amelia's three and four year old stages I'm always imagining basing it of what I see other kids do and say.
My cousin from Baltimore and her daughter, who is around my age, came as well and commented that my scripture reading sounded like spoken word. Which was encouraging to me, since that is a platform that I take pride in and am working to continuously grow. It's natural for me now, considering the open mics I've attended and while projecting myself my brains automatically calculates that I should speak in such a manner.
Going through the process, I felt like as if everyone was raw, this was our first wedding and was working out all the kinks on the fly. My mom's girlfriends were very instrumental in keeping the cog in motion, for which I am very grateful. The food was great and the DJ did his thing, I even requested one of Sl1m's songs that all the family got hype to.
Some of our extended family came while others watched on zoom due to COVID and their fear of being around others or traveling by plane. I won't lie, it was pretty emotional too, watching my sister assimilate into another family. Into a new phase in life. We all felt like we were giving our sister away, even though she will always be around it was hard to hold back a tear.
Especially when my brother Sl1m gave his speech, tears welled up in all our eyes as he expressed his love and excitement and her being the best big sister we could ever ask for. He commented on her boss-like mentality growing up, even though it was usually for our good. We definitely, especially me, didn't always see it that way. I was the most rebellious towards her, she wasn't my mom or dad I didn't feel the need to respect her authority. I remember one time my dad said if there was ever a step parent involved that I would cause the most havoc.
I'd have to agree.
Throughout all the good times, memories, laughs, and excitement that Saturday brought I received an email that morning telling me that I didn't get the job that I thought I wanted. I say it like that because I vehemently prayed that I get the job only if it's for my betterment and conducive to where I want to go in life. Even with that prayer, I was still bummed I didn't get it, I thought I had it and was already imagining what I would do with the extra money.
How much I could save, I could get my own spot which will look better to the courts, potentially own property, and make me feel more secure. Which might've been God's issue with it since he is all the security that I need. Other than that, I'm not sure how much I would of truly loved what I did. I've never worked anywhere that I truly hated, never been in a place that I dreaded waking up and getting ready for work. Half of it, I believe, is my mentality and the other half is because I don't choose random jobs and employment solely for the money.
I had an old teammate from prep school hit me up about Forex trading and how much money he was accumulating doing it, he has acquired properties and seems to be living good. I asked him to be on the podcast and he tried to get me to a virtual event, I told him that it wouldn't work with my writing schedule and he asked what kind of return it was bringing. I confidently told him that it would, eventually.
That's the same mindset that I need to carry when it comes to waiting on God and the promises he has for me. Being confident in the wait, watching out for what I think as well as what I intake. It's pivotal that I capture my thoughts as they first enter my mind not allowing them to fester into something detrimental to the direction I'm training to move in.
I had a dream last night where Amelia's mom came with people that would help prevent me from getting my baby. I just remember feeling so angry and not in control, her mom was there but my daughter wasn't anywhere in sight. After arguing and going back and forth it seemed like I was in a stalemate, with no power as a father.
The worst feeling in the world.
I woke up this morning in a mood, having to force myself to center my thoughts on Christ and the things above not below. Listening to my usual Michael Todd in the morning, I'm on his Planted Not Buried series since I often feel as if the weight of life is crushing me.
I forgot, until I started writing this that I wanted to fast this week, I was going to last week but I didn't want to be around all that food and force myself not to eat. Especially during such a joyous time. The rehearsal dinner was Friday night, there was a plethora of food at the wedding on Saturday, then my uncle had a cookout since we had a lot of family in town on Sunday.
Battling with my mind and my stomach I wasn't sure if I would do it this week either, I know how I am and I like to set my mind on an objective before jumping into it. The thought came to me, I would say it was God, that said if I don't start today I'll keep pushing it back to the next day then next week and eventually it'll be a new month.
Feeling myself wane from the strength I originally felt, as thoughts keep imbuing my soul. My circumstance, from my perspective, isn't moving fast enough I need to revamp. Missing my nightly Bible readings due to all the activity and watching Amara too, I want to prove my faithfulness.
I'm glad, now, that I was running late to work because I didn't get a chance to scoop anything into my mouth. As I sit at work and the smell of popcorn and the temptation of snack currently brews, I'm focusing on God his word and going to pray every time that I'm hungry. That's what I've always heard growing up, and this is my first time doing an only water fast I pray for strength. Not only to be consistent in not eating but for wisdom, to hear his voice, and to keep pushing forward despite what I see.
Doing it for me and my relationship with the Father, but also to be a better father to my children. I pray that I get something out of these five days.
Amelia and Amara, daddy loves you.