Epiphany

I know I'm supposed to write every other week from now on but I had to considering I got to talk to Amelia this past week. I called her mother one morning while I was driving to work and she called me back a hour or two later. Honestly, I believe she called back at that time to try to irk me because she knew that Amelia was in school. To my surprise, she called me back after my daughter got out.

The excitement in my baby's voice was refreshing, it seemed like her mother told her that they were calling me because after I answered she knew it was me. Unless, she just knows my voice now, which would be even better. Truthfully, I don't want to doubt that so I'm going to go with her knowing how her daddy talks.

We had a good conversation, she told me that she was enjoying school and that she learns something new every day. I asked her if she knew any of her friends' name and she couldn't tell me one but claimed that she had some. Sometimes I couldn't understand what she said because of me not being around her enough and her mother would clarify for me, which irritated me because I shouldn't even be in this position. Her mother probably likes it, like when I would see her after some time and all Amelia would do is cry in my arms.

Which is the worst feeling.

Throughout the entire conversation Amelia was telling me how much she loved me, I love hearing her pretty little voice. She asked me to come get her from school, which tugged at my heart because I wasn't sure how to answer that without lying to her. Then she proceeded to say that I should come Tuesday! She said it with such temerity, like she knew that I would follow through.

What happens when I don't get the chance to come get her? Will she even remember it?

Her mother carried on to say that I could pick her up and take her to get ice cream, like that's all the time I deserve to get with her. That burned me up inside, I countered by asking Amelia if she would rather spend the weekend or the week with me. I'm not sure she ever truly answered but she did tell me she loved me a couple more times.

After we talked I told her mother that I would like to speak to her more and she tried to get under my skin. Telling me it seemed like I changed and what not but in reality she is the one that hasn't changed, still applying the same tactics.

Annoying.

On my way home that day I was wrestling with being happy that I talked to my baby and being angry at the circumstance surrounding it all. God gave me an epiphany on my ride home, listening to the way Amelia talked to me and the love in her voice, it's obvious that what's negatively affecting me isn't doing the same to her. My biggest fear is that she wouldn't love me the same anymore and it's clearly evident that's not the case.

My anger is misplaced, and it was further solidified when my father told me that at least Amelia's mother keeps me fresh in my daughters mind. Which is apparent because she wouldn't want me to come get her from school if I wasn't kept in her mind. Or it's God's doing, which is what my first thought was. My second was that I'll give her credit when she gives me the two years she has taken away from me back.

At the end of the day, I just want to be able to forgive so that I can move on and find someone worth my time. I've been watching Michael Todd's Forgiveness University all week in hopes of grasping something that will help me in my walk. It's a long process, especially with all the betrayal, blame, and bitterness that has ensued from the beginning of our relationship until now. Times I wish I could take back, but if I did, I wouldn't be who I am today. Or at least, the man I am growing to be.

On the other hand, Amara and I have the greatest relationship. I love her deep from the heart laugh and the way she looks at me while I drive. I enjoy how I can calm her down by rapping on or off beat, not sure when I am or not honestly. I take pleasure in her beating me up because it's her way of showing love to me. I love the way she cuddles with me and lays her head on my shoulder, the way she has to be touching me to go to sleep.

I absolutely love the way she told me that she loved me, that still warms my heart. I think about it all the time, I love my little baby. I can't wait for my two girls get to have a relationship with each other, they both climb all over me which I love as well. There's nothing better than being a daughter dad, there is a special connection that is inexplicable.

Amelia and Amara, daddy loves your more than anything in this world. You two are my everything!