I vaguely remember a story I was told growing up about a man holding on to the side of a cliff in the dark. God is telling him to let go and to put his trust in him, and the man is too focused on the fear of the unknown. In the abyss, he was hanging onto something tangible that ostensibly will be able to save him but in reality what he was holding was actually a restraint.
The man hung there all night and when the sun finally rose he was able to see that if he had let go like God had instructed he had a landing five feet under him! That's crazy right, much like the popular picture of two men chopping through the Earth to get to diamonds. One quits while the other man keeps going, unbeknownst to the man that quit, the diamonds were only a few chips away.
Often times in life we start out on adventures only to let the passion fizzle out after thoughts of doubt and fear enter the heart. I remember I was trying to start an online open mic on Youtube but my vision was derailed because I couldn't figure out the editing part. I released my second video and was highly disappointed at the result, the quality was poor and the viewers couldn't read the written content.
If I had continued on and figured it out along the way, I believe it could have been a thing especially with Coronavirus keeping everybody at home. It would've gave people something to watch and participate in since I was accepting pieces from other artist and fitting them into the videos. A friend and poet, Blademouth, had a really nice piece with a great ambience but when on my software the picture was grainy and there wasn't anything I could do about it.
Where would I be if I had continued on? Would it have made the podcast expand faster? The blog?
It's funny, but what got me on this train of thought is watching Amara try to get down from the couch. She was only two inches away from the ground but she was holding on to the blanket that draped the back of the love seat, unsure if she should let go looking to me for guidance or helping hand. I encouraged her telling her that it was safe to drop, but much like the guy hanging on the cliff, she continued her stronghold.
After a little assistance, she dropped down happy to have gotten to the ground running for the remote to press the play/pause button on and off. She could have already had the remote but the unknowing future, even though immediate, was a hindrance to what she really wanted.
My bed is a little bit higher than the couch and it's a longer drop for her, and oftentimes will fall on her bottom from not catching herself upright. It's crazy how our past experiences shape us and our future decisions regardless if things don't exactly look the same. In our skewed view, we make it fit into a previous box that sucked the life out of us filling our soul with regret.
I tend to do this sometimes and have acknowledged it and will do my best to keep a handle on it moving forward. It's always easier said than done, but as long as I want it I know that it's attainable. This goes for relationships, entrepreneurship, brotherhood, success, parenthood, love and life period.
Two weeks ago I was meeting Amara's mom on a Monday because I was out of school for President's Day. She asked me if we could meet every other Monday because she gets home late from school on the weekends and her mom isn't able to watch her. Of course I said that was okay, happy to get my baby for extra hours on Sunday.
After I thought about it, I was going back to in school learning with the kids and won't have the free will to meet her at a decent time. I reach back out to her to tell her the dilemma coming up with a solution that she meet me early in the morning before school between 7:45-8:00. Monday's are my families busy days so I know they wouldn't be able to keep her allowing for Amara's mom to sleep in a while longer, but she readily agreed.
For me, that meant I had to get myself and my daughter ready while being conscious of the time. The opportunity was exciting for me! It was my first time I had the chance to be in this position as a parent and I was ready for it. I don't know about any other father but I know I want more responsibility when it comes to my babies. I would cheerfully take full custody of one or both my children and be tasked with the everyday challenge of raising kids and living a personal life.
The alarm went off and I got to it before she woke up, stirring a little bit I sat still and patted her back a little. The hardest part is getting off the bed, it creeks with every movement and Amara is a light sleeper. I tried my best to roll off the bed but she woke up anyway, it took me 15 minutes to get her comfortably back to sleep without me near her.
She acts as if she needs to be in someone's arms to go to sleep, a lot of the times she won't even lay next to me. She'll try to force me to stand up but she is starting to get too heavy for that. I stayed on the bed and rocked her back to sleep slowly laying her down and removing my arm from the back of her head.
Fortunately for me, she didn't wake up again and I was able to shower and cook us breakfast. I put everything in the car before she woke up and had wipes and a diaper out to change her when she woke. I made her baby oatmeal and me some eggs as I checked the clock to ensure that I was still on time.
I was proud of myself, although I know different days cause for different circumstances, but I know that it's something that I could do. Something that I would love to do, something that I need and will be looking forward to every other week. I wonder how each experience will be, I can't wait to talk about them on the podcast and in this blog.
After breakfast was made and I got everything in the car I got Amara up, changed her diaper and put her pants and coat on. Donned her shoes and grabbed our food heading out the door, I almost forgot my lunch and went back to grab it. Thankfully, she let me put her into the carseat without a fuss and I got the car running in the time frame that I usually like to leave.
I had to smile as I made it to work three minutes earlier than the elected time, walking in with Amara and everyone showing her attention. I fed her while I drove and ate myself, driving with my knees when applicable and reaching back to spoon her some oatmeal. It was a good morning, I'm excited for more.
Amelia and Amara, daddy loves you.