For Fathers Podcast first year anniversary is this week! The official first release date was February 27, 2020, but of course another episode will be downloaded on Thursday the 25th. It's episode 44, so that means I've missed 8 weeks of podcast, which isn't bad when comparing it to the total of 52. I could've tremendously got that number down if I had started doing solo podcast when there was a cancellation, I was being stubborn though, wanting it to always be a certain way.
I found some peace in it just being me and the mic, sometimes I feel like I'm on repeat saying the same things across various platforms. On the podcast, in the blog, and in my personal writings to my daughter's I say a lot of the same things in different ways. It always seems like there's always still something to add as I'm going between the blog and their personal letters.
I think back on the first episode and think on how far I've came, I often wonder if my listeners hear the difference in my tone and conversation. Can they hear the growth that I feel flowing through my veins, that I can see in the adverse conversations that I'm faced with. I can definitely tell in the way that Amelia's mother responds to my nonchalant behavior to the triggers that used to set me off.
It really is a good feeling to have the upper hand by using logic and common sense, understanding that this is all a game. These four years taught me how to play. The best way is to not play at all, not give in to the obvious insults and bouts of fury that are said to try to uproot my place as a father.
Looking back on this time last year, some stuff is still the same, some of the pain, but there is also a lot that is different. Or has matured, I should say. Not to a point of perfection but progressing to the man that I ought to be. I am upset at myself for falling again in front of God but I do believe in his Grace even though it's seemingly too shameful to look to the heavens.
I feel like the listeners could also tell that I have fallen off from my walk, in the beginning I talked more about God than I do now. I've had some spiritual figures come up like my dad, spiritual mentor, and a couple others but my conversations have been slowly dwindling when it comes to speaking on the above.
Even though I still read daily Bible plans, try to pray every morning, listen to Transformation Nation, and dive into the Word every once in awhile it's still not enough. I'm comparable to any of the other sinners, regardless if their a liar or a killer, it's unnerving to be on the same plane as some of the deadliest people in the world.
That's just how it is in God's eyes, so why don't we treat people with the same respect. No matter if they're a different race, gender, or have varying ideologies, if we could all just live in peace all our lives would be better. A lot of life is similar just in different context, like Christians Muslims and Jews.
When I realized that they were all based off the same book with some of the same scriptures and characters threw me for a loop and caused a new line of thinking. Then on top of that, the different denominations and the microscopic changes made to fit the leaders view of the world. It makes it hard for someone on the outside looking in, without understanding, because it's so similar but the fight is so drastic.
For thousands of years the Israelis and the Arabs have been fighting over the promiseland dating back to the Bible days. A war started after Abraham castaway Ishmael and his mother implanting into his mind that the land passed down to Isaac is his right. After this incident, the Muslim religion is believed to be created and therefore commencing a war that will last era after era.
Which is crazy in itself, because both religions teach peace and love for the most part but they continue to kill over land. Is there not any Godly intervention on the leaders of these nations? There can't be any type of reasoning or settlement? They can't split the land or anything, but I wonder if that's why they always portray Arabs to be so angry. Apparently, passed down by their forefather Ishmael and the mother of their religion, an early tale of how an adult figure can affect their child. Creating him to be a replica of herself, mad that she was cast out and forced that same sentiment on her son.
Obviously, I have no idea the validity of this statement but it seems like it might be the case. I've seen it in this day and age and I've also seen the ramifications of it, looking at my community and how some of us act or raised. The results of absence fathers and mothers who can't get over their own trauma. I explicitly remember Amelia's mom spouting off on how she will tell Amelia everything so that my daughter will carry the same sentiments as her.
As humans, I believe we tend to want the people around us to understand where we are coming from. That's where the quote "misery loves company" comes from, it really does make us feel better when someone else is validating our emotions. Telling us that it's ok for us to feel this way, to lash out, to hate, to look on in disgust and contempt. Somehow, we feel as if we are better than the next person because our vices or problems seem insignificant compared to theirs.
Similar to some people who claim religion right? For example, how can courts demand weekly child support but will deny a father seeing their kid for a whole week straight. They make it seem like money is more important than time, but if the father never showed up and only sent money it would still be a problem. Even if as a father he is doing all the he is able to do, if the mother says contrary, whether it be true or not, the father will have to defend himself and prove that he isn't what is imposed.
I think it's crazy that fathers are the only ones that have to show proof that they deserve to be in their kids lives, but all the mother has to do is give birth. Regardless if their a bad mom, lack parental patience, or instill hate they will always get the benefit of the doubt. Truthfully, if there were repercussions put in place for women like they have for men then I believe it would happen a lot less. But there isn't much put in place to help men in my situation.
Since mostly black men are strung through this horrific cycle, I have no choice but to believe that it's a tactic of the system. Try to strip one of the biggest prides a man could have in being a father making it harder forcing some to quit or commit crimes out of passion. A vicious cycle that depends on the emotions of broken women that grow up lacking because of the same system taking and killing their father figures.
It's so sad, there needs to be a change. Who is willing to take that step with me? Who will take that leap for their children, and their children, and theirs? Who wants to upend a generational curse and flip it into centuries of blessings? Who wants to win?
Amelia and Amara, daddy loves you.