Taking Risk
It's important to have people in your corner who are not going to always tell you what you want to hear. You need people that will tell you how it is, regardless if they believe it will hurt your feelings or not. They know that hurting your feelings now will save you from future incessant pain. If the people you claim are your inner circle can't stretch the bounds of friendship for your benefit then a change is to be had.
Sometimes it's hard to find peers that will help steer you straight, I'm grateful for the ones that I have. I know who I would call for certain situations, whether it be me needing to vent or ask for advice. Admittedly, it's not often that I reach out to others I usually internalize and try to figure it out myself. Which has it's pros and cons, most definitely.
On this particular matter, I chose to call my family since I hold all their opinions in high regards. I'm confident I could call them collectively or each one individually and receive an ear to hear or solid advice with takeaways that will have me re-evaluating my point of view. When either one of us wants to contact the family as a whole we call on our group chat in Facebook or WhatsApp.
It's a hit or miss if my parents will pick up since it seems like they are always misplacing their phone or having it on silent. Since Sl1m has been out in Colorado he's been busy and on a different time zone so I don't expect him to answer but it's a joy when he is able to. My oldest brother was at work and was able to pick up while my mom picked up for my sister herself and my dad.
2020 was really a year of reflection for me, I was forced to slow down and deal with my thoughts and anxieties. I learned a lot about myself, I learned that even after all this time, that daunting experience still haunts me. Not in terms of nightmares but I see certain behaviors that are a reminder of an old path, and when I see them I'm ready to jump ship. Anything to avoid a round two.
Anything.
Meaning, I'd rather be a single parent and part of a foster agency where I can provide a loving home for kids who may not have had that opportunity. I hate the thought that their are people who had and have childhoods worse than mine, by no means was it perfect but I've heard plenty worse stories. I would thoroughly enjoy sharing love to the unfortunate, showing them a new way to think and digest the events happening around them.
I would also embrace the various challenges that come with raising children with strenuous backgrounds and hapless conditions. I believe, if I could reach those kids and reshape their mentality they can do the same for the next young buck to come around in need of guidance. At this rate, there will be less lost and more found in themselves ready to achieve greatness.
Some people think it's crazy to assume that one man can change the world, I think it's crazy to think that it's impossible. Just me having that house could curate something in one of those kids that will become the next President of the United States, which will inevitably be able to influence the world. There shouldn't be a limit put on the affect one person could have, even if it's indirect.
That is along the lines of what my family was telling me, but mine, of course, was dealing with trauma. Not just mine, but how a clash of two people's traumas can spiral downward if there's a lack of communication. It's key because everybody has their own triggers and figuring each one out is a task in itself.
My first reaction is to always split, grab the scissors and sever ties preventing an unfavorable outcome. Fearing a repeat, like I said, I rather be alone. I had to talk to my family to make sure that I wasn't just in my own head and letting fear dictate my decisions.
Which is hard to do, when the past is still controlling the present. Even if it's a microscopic hold, one that lays dormant only coming up in certain situations it still shows itself prevalent. This time, instead of keeping my thoughts to myself, I decided to express myself to my family.
They talked some sense into me, gave me a different lense to look through and harped on communication. Which is another key, from basketball to relationships and I have to realize experiences shape us and it's best for us to learn these happenstances. However big or small they may seem, that term God only gives us what we can handle goes a long way if you really think about it.
I hate to see when people compare pain, other than minimizing their own pain in face of another's adversities. Some people can't handle what others are going through, although it doesn't make it right but some are built stronger. It begs the argument though, just what is the purpose in all that, I guess they would have to find their purpose to find out. That's what it all comes down to, finding your walk with God and letting him lead your path.
I'm always saying how I need to get back into the Bible and praying strengthening my connection with God. It seems like I'm saying it without any actions behind it knowing God is looking down on me waiting on me to get back in shape. I don't know about anybody else but I'm always worried if he will harden his heart for me, never giving me another chance to reach the pearly gates.
Why doesn't this simple fact get me in line then, right? Same reason I don't always use a condom, have two different mothers, missed out on basketball opportunities, because somehow I'm programmed to choose to take risk. Sometimes, I really don't try to but it's almost innate.
Even in college, going to a strict prestigious school, I still chose to take risk contrary to the reason for me being there. With all that I worked for on the line I still chose to play with it like a string on a guitar. Only the tune I would be hearing is me being drummed out as the melody for a fallen member of the corps plays in the thick of night.
Same goes for going out and drinking and still getting behind the wheel believing that we know our true limits. I've always been one of these types of people and fortunately don't have a crushing story that turned me away from this lifestyle. One time, though, I did make it home only to pass out in front of my parents. Who flipped out, wanted to take me to the hospital and thought I was dying. I know for sure they have been drunk before.
That was an experience in itself, I wish I had just went upstairs and went to sleep but in our home it's customary to come in and speak to everybody. I believe they specifically told me to come home and check in because they weren't used to me going out even though I had been since prep school.
I often wonder how many stories like this will I have when after my kids grow older and get out on their own, what will we be reminiscing on. Undoubtedly, I will have plenty of memories with both of my daughters and my kids to come.
Amelia and Amara, daddy loves you.