What is healing?
What is forgiveness?
Is it true that if I master these I will find true peace. Or is it just another idiom or figure of speech like healing and forgiveness. They say I can forgive but still not be friends or heal and still feel the pain. I guess I would call it management rather than saying phrases as strong as "I forgive you."
Recent events have me realizing how much more healing I need, I've come a long way but I still have some ways to go. It's even more apparent, the longer that I hold on to this pain the more I prolong the blessings that lay in my path. I can't believe I'm still letting this situation affect me, it's been so long I'd think I would have a better handle on it.
I'm so disappointed in myself, looking at my life and where I am comparing it to where I should be. I think about the decisions that led to the demise of my college career, my sanity, my peace, patience, motivation, my vision of love.
I vividly remember the day that my life started to slowly turn upside down. I was at an away game my Sophomore year and Amelia's mom was saying that I didn't have enough time for her because of basketball and that we couldn't work out. For the first time in my life I fell for the manipulation, I'm not sure what was different this time. Before, when I heard this I always chose basketball making them decide whether it was worth staying with me.
Not this time, this time, I said that I could make room for both and I believe somewhere in the back of my mind it started to recalculate. I think my game, actions, attitude reflected the torment of a relationship I was dealing with on the outside.
There used to be this fan at the house I grew up in and it had this rhythmic tick that I would hone in on to go to sleep or to add a melody to my thoughts. Often, I would stare at the fan in the thick of night and curse myself for my decision that day. Then I would start to unveil true motives behind actions that followed, looking in hindsight, I just wish I had known.
Reminiscing is how I developed Alopecia Areata in the first place, my thoughts on a cycle of anger and hurt. It takes all but of me to not go back down past patterns, having to continuously pray to keep my head straight. Doing my best to not let the recurring negative thoughts make a home in my brain, manifesting untruths and half lies inside an already altered reality.
Exchanging a few text with Amelia's mother she was supposed to call Sunday without giving a time. She actually does call, but it's when I'm helping my brother move into his house so I miss it. I called back, and of course, I'm still blocked so I text letting her know I called. I received an I'm occupied text and responded with setting a time so that we could both be ready.
I text her again today to set something up for today.
I'm praying she isn't about to try to use that and say that she tried but I didn't pick up or something of that nature further furnacing the narrative that I'm absent. Hopefully, it's not the case and God has been working on her opening her up to the idea of having Amelia's father in her life. I'm going to just keep trying to do the right thing and surprise her with all her gifts that she missed out on for the last two Christmas and Birthdays.
My older brother, Edmond, justs bought a townhouse which is an awesome investment. I'm very proud of him and can't wait for when it's my turn to invest in a house to later rent out or sell. He's only 33, and has his own house, that's big time. On top of that, he bought a car cash right before putting a down payment on a house. The Army did him good and he was a steward of his money, which is something I have to get better at.
The most amazing part of this testimony, is that his job was intentionally messing with his hours and pay costing him extra thousands of dollars for the down payment. The thing is, he had it, and that is the position I want to be in. That regardless if a screwball is thrown at me I'll still be able to knock it out of the park. Now, I may be exhausted after running on the bases but that is when he can go back to work and refuel. Be a steward again, and step up to the plate and knock it out the park.
I got my baby girl Amara on Friday but had to take her back Saturday so that we could get an early start on moving that night. Being that I work from home and don't work in the afternoons on Monday and Tuesday, I figured I pick her back up on Sunday and take her back Tuesday.
Currently, I'm quietly typing and trying not to pop my knuckles so loud so that I don't wake her up. She sleeps as light as paper though, yesterday I stood up to get the phone and my knee popped and so did her eyes. I can't believe how light of a sleeper she is, but sometimes, she sleeps like a rock. Saturday nights we have family night where we watch a movie at my parents, and the sound is usually blaring, she falls asleep in it then stays asleep through all the yelling and shooting.
When she grows up, I'm going to be telling her all about our car ride stories where she gets in my car fussing for her mom and mad about sitting in the car seat. We take off and I turn my music on and depending on what it is it sometimes calms her, but what I usually do is rap with the song or my own lyrics over the beat. Sometimes I put jazz own and say a freestyle poem making sure to say her name and calming words.
It works 95% of the time, I really do have a good track record with it. I look back and she's staring at me, obviously picking up on the words and inflection of my voice. She can see my emotions and the validity in the way I flow with the melody. Already having an ear for sound, I believe one of many Amara's talents will be somewhere in the music industry.
I played that song Tadow by FKJ X Masego and she was staring at the video consuming all the different beats and clashes. I played it again later and I saw her bobbing her head seemingly putting an ear closer to hear the various intricacies. I can't wait to how my daughters and future kids will turn out to be, it's an exciting experience. Satisfying as well, knowing that I had a hand in raising and developing my young girls to be brave, confident, and self-sufficient.
A woman who doesn't need a man but entertains by pure choice is a powerful being, one that should be admired and protected. This is who my daughters will be.
Amelia and Amara, daddy loves you.