I'm not happy.
Simply put, although I do find joy in the small things and can walk around daily with a smile on my face. Deep down though, I'm unsettled. It's apparent in my actions, receding back to the depths I begged God to pull me from. The anger, the frustration, the lack of focus continually weighing me down.
I often find myself staring at the same page on the computer screen for hours, knowing exactly what I want to say but unable to put my fingers to work. Lost in my own thoughts and coping mechanisms meant to numb the world around me. Numbing is never enough when I wake up facing the same obstacles.
On top of that, the incessant fear of failure or not becoming all that I have dreamed for myself. Sometimes, when I'm staring at the screen I'm second guessing wondering if it's good enough comparing myself to the authors I grew up reading. Wanting to portray the images that are still engraved in my mind to this day, I can recall scenes from books as vividly as movies. To the point where I get them mixed up.
I remember reading a book by Lee Child, a Jack Reacher novel and later on the movie One Shot debuted in theaters. Watching the previews I thought back to where I had seen this movie before, the background of the story took me to a place. I had my own vision of what that book looked like and it finally became a movie, which was surreal for me.
Too bad my joy quickly diminished after learning Tom Cruise would be playing the main character Jack Reacher. My sole problem with this selection is that Lee Child portrays Reacher to be 6'5 heavy sit big ugly and brolic, Cruise does not fit the bill. That turned me off from enjoying the movie properly but I still loved the picture in my head becoming a reality.
I want to create long lasting memories as if it were a movie for my readers, and I don't doubt my abilities, I just try to perfect everything. It was my downfall playing basketball too, trying to be perfect and being upset when I don't reach my expectations. I know I just want to be the best, in all that I do, and I see being as close to perfect as possible as the way. Because eventually, I will find excellence.
To be excellent is to focus on every little detail and be great at it. Kobe would work on the same move for hours, and even if the defender knew what he was going to do there wasn't any stopping it.
I've got this great idea for this book that I'm currently writing, and I find myself racing against imaginary contenders. I want to be the first one, I saw a TV show or a movie that was along the same lines. I know that the time is coming I just want to be ahead of the flock.
I get a lot of other ideas for books, series, and short stories but I have trouble finishing one. I look at other authors with a litany of books and wonder when they find time for all that writing. It isn't easy, creating something from scratch using my cerebral cortex to succinctly write so they see what I see.
Trying to come up with effective ways for writing, whether it be specific times blocked off or how I go about each chapter. My uncle, who just finished his own book gave me advice telling me to vomit on the page and then do the clean up after. It's a thought, and I want to try it but the way my mind works I want it to be right before I move on.
That's probably why it's taking so long but, again, I'm a perfectionist and it's something I need to break habit of. I've spent my whole life doing my best to live up to my own expectations.
The major problem with that, is that I put these same top shelf expectations on other people. When they don't meet it, it causes a friction which turns into frustration. This leads me to try to fix the problem or try to make that person see things the way that I do which can also be detrimental.
Having an insatiable need for success has helped me a lot in basketball and business but not so much with relationships. I find myself comparing a relationship to a coach and a player or an entrepreneur to a business. That's what makes sense to me but I'm learning that I might be one of the only few who think this way.
I know I put too much pressure on myself but I'm my biggest motivator, I'm also my worst enemy. It's hard trying to find that "perfect" balance.
Getting back on the basketball court has been a blessing though, I love the feeling of that leather in my hands. The pounding of the heart, heavy breathing, the mentality to push through a tough workout. It's an exhilarating feeling, the sweat pouring down my back and face.
I'm ready to chase that dream again, I know I have the ability to accomplish a life long goal. Sometimes I fear that outside factors will get in the way again forcing me further away from the game that I love. Same as when I'm on my path to righteousness and I slightly stumble, I start to walk in shame because I know that he has seen what I've done.
Sometimes I overwhelm myself trying to find time to fit everything in. I feel like I'm running like a chicken with my head cut off, going from work to workout to do a podcast back to work again. By the time I sit down and try to force some creativity, my mind is already exhausted from the day's events. I struggle to find the time and the energy to do what it takes to reach my goals, business propositions and keeping up with ones already put into place.
On top of that, I have to go the long route when it comes to spending time with Amelia. Afraid to go back to a lawyer, I'm finding ways and the proper paperwork to start the process myself. That also requires time, a luxury I seem to fail to have.
There's always things to cut back on or increase that will help create efficiency, but then there's also the pressures of life. The happenstances that are unwarranted but very real. That's where resiliency comes in, have to be able to bounce back. One of many lessons I plan to teach my daughters and future kids.
Amelia and Amara, daddy loves you.