It's bedtime, Amara and I climb into bed and I'm wondering how she still has so much energy. After turning off all the lights and letting the Bible app play softly to our right, she slowly started to wind down. Squealing and rolling around forcing my arms around her because the comfort of her daddy is the only way she prefers to sleep while with me. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way, I love cuddling with her I feel as if our souls are intermingling as we sleep.
As she laid on my chest finally settling down, I whispered to her that I loved her. Without prompting, she told me that she loved me! I was so ecstatic, I hugged her tight and told her I loved her over and over again and she laughed at my energy. Her mother and I had been practicing it and every time we would say "I" she would point to her eyeball. Last night though, she said the full sentence in her baby talk but I knew exactly what she was trying to say.
I thank God for our relationship, how her eyes light up when she sees me. It's odd because she doesn't pay too much attention to me on video chat but does in person and Amelia was opposite, for the most part. After she had been with me for awhile, in person, she warmed back up showing me the affection that I desired. There's plenty differences between my babies, that's the beauty in having kids.
As we both drifted off to sleep I thought about how much I needed to hear that from Amara, how much I needed to feel like a good father. I heard back from my lawyer on Friday and Amelia's mother is willing to make a deal but isn't being very cooperative in terms of fairness. She isn't willing to meet me wanting me to drive eight hours round trip, twice, to come pick her up and drop her off. She's not willing to give me the summers but wants to split it in half, it's so frustrating dealing with her.
It's worse knowing that I had a chance to leave her and chose not to, but then I wouldn't have Amelia either. A conundrum if there ever was one, I also wouldn't be the man I am today without this experience either. God definitely knows what he's doing when he's calling out to his children, that's when the statement he doesn't give us more than we can handle comes into play.
One step in the right direction though, that I will say, anything at this point will be better than not seeing her at all. I don't want to just settle either, I just want to do what God tells me is best.
The sermon today was about forgiveness and focusing on what is good and righteous, a Word just for me. I was happy and sad to hear the news from the lawyer, conflicted between thanking God and feeling sorry for myself.
This past week, at work, there has been a lot of racial tension. A poster was put up that defined white supremacy in its entirety and a lot of people are angry about it. It's confused because it is just words on a page when us black people are the ones having to deal with the tail end of it all. It's crazy to argue about my worth in this world, like I'm a species other than human.
It's unfortunate that people still live with this mindset, it's even worse that they can be masked as doctors, friends, co workers, and neighbors. It's scary out here for a black man, we can be taken out by anybody anywhere and at anytime. When it's all said and done, I would not want to be any other race than black, I love being me.
I took Amara to the African Festival today, we had a lot of fun and she made a couple friends with other babies. We had some good food and I bought a hat and t-shirt as well. The shirt is a graphic explaining what it means to be a black father, I loved it. I take great pride and joy in being a father, it's the best decision any man can make. Especially when they have daughters, there's nothing like it.
I can't until the day I can take Amelia and Amara to events like the festival, daddy daughter days. I'm envisioning them as I write, as I dream, as I walk throughout the day. Even though I fell off the wagon a little the last couple weeks I'm back in God's presence. I made my decision that God has done too much for me to go back into a lifestyle he saved me from. He deserves my praise with my lifestyle.
This week marks one year since I started this blog, I can't believe that 52 weeks have passed already. I have some longevity on all my projects, now I just need to find time to write my book and short stories. I will though, I will.
Amelia and Amara, daddy loves you.